Let’s just start again, shall we?

I hate the fact that my good moments/bad moments ratio today has been totally out of whack, despite the fact there were more good moments than bad, but the bad was pretty damn bad and the good was like “cool” sort of good and not an “awesome” sort of good. So, y’know… out of whack.

Good – Wasn’t flooded in. Could drive to the interview without getting bogged and have a day of slight escapism from the constant sound of bugs and frogs that are so loud, I can’t hear myself think.

Bad – Drove 4 hours to an interview I didn’t end up having, and wasn’t told until half an hour before I was supposed to be interviewed. It’s not like they did it purposely, the chick I was supposed to talk to got sick and had to go home and there was no-one to cover. But it still doesn’t make the day not seem like a total inconvience considering the emotional parental issues I’ve been through for such a task.

Good – Shopping with mum, who tagged along… okay, so we didn’t actually do an huge amount of shopping… bought a present for a friend and went to the cheap ass shop to get coloured things for one of my new hobbies… but there was sushi and asian groceries involved, so there’s nothing wrong with that.

Bad – Drove home to find that my luck of not getting caught speeding has run out. And that I now have 3 demerit points on what used to be my perfect, untarnished record… and a fine of $200, which if I had a preference, I wouldn’t part with. Admittedly…it was bound to happen eventually…I have been pretty damn lucky for the past 9 years.

Good – I don’t know… I suppose that I live to fight another day as soon as the V wears off and I can finally end this one.

Gosh, today’s just been *great*.

 

Project: Postcard

So I had the most random idea. And hopefully an original one…but I don’t want to google it, just so I can claim I’ve never heard of it before.

What I want to do, is to try and piece together a story. Not something I wrote myself. It’s a bit of a twist. See, what I’d like is if people would be inclined to send me a postcard, from wherever they are, with on sentence written on the back. It doesn’t have to be clever. It doesn’t have to be complicated. It doesn’t have to be real. For the ease of being able to put together a story, it would be nice if it could be in first person.

More for my own whimsy than anything else. Two reasons for it. One is to just so that I have a creative project to play with. And to see how many people would actually be willing to take the time and send a postcard to me. So if you want to play along, let me know! It is just one teeny postcard, with one teeny sentence on it. And of course, the more I get, the better it will be! So tell your friends, family, people…I don’t know… whoever. I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve in the long run…but wouldn’t it be interesting just to see what comes of it?

Just because I obviously don’t know how this is going to pan out originally…email me and I will send you the postal address. And you never know, it could be the start of something cool.

Email: defined.insanity@gmail.com

 

Hostile takeover…?

If you read this often, you’ll know that I’ve been looking for work for the past…eh, 4 months now? And I’ve sent a hell of a lot of resumes out. And I’ve had plans here and there that try not to involve having to send out resumes to wait to get jobs, and so on and so forth.

And this life planning, searching, etc has resulted in somewhat of an odd day.

First up…I have decided to take on a TESOL course, so that I will be qualified to teach English overseas. Hopefully, they won’t learn from my blogging skills and I won’t teach people how to talk exactly the way I do. Because I probably won’t get far. It’s something for a filler. Keep my head occupied, feed my travelling bug, earn some dosh for other plans. I figured it was a decent idea.

With my current idea in place…and the enthusiam I currently have for it…imagine my surprise that I get a phone call for a job I applied for over the weekend. Unexpected….which is a terrible thing to say…because surely I should expect calls considering I’ve sent out umteen applications. But it didn’t even occur to me that I might somehow attract a prospective employer. So there’s excitment for an upcoming interview next week…a day-trip down to Brisbane (thankfully sans the paternal side of my parentage, because let’s not forget the disaster that was the last time I had an interview down in Brisbane…or moreso the uncomfortable 5 hour drive home).

My confidence was up. Y’know…a good idea for a back up plan…and a job interview to boot, it seemed like a good 24 hours. So imagine my surprise that I get an email from Seek, telling me one of the jobs I applied for was fake and right now, there is possibly some asshat, stealing my identity as I write this. I am thankful that I am rather careful about the information I put on my resume…but there is obviously my name, my phone number, my address…since it is an resume, and you want people to contact you when you send them a resume. Panic much? Quite. But at least there is not other personal details that might aid with stealing an identity.

Hopefully it will be too hard for them…I have my fingers crossed that there will be no incidents, because I generally am careful about social network privacy, birthdates, other stuff that could be used to pretend to be me. It’s food for thought, though…perhaps even if it is just to do a little company research before applying for anything new.

Having said that…I would be a terrible mark. I haven’t worked in over 7 months now. I have no money. A tiny credit card limit. Nothing worth taking. I suppose if you want my life…you could take it…and who knows, they might be better at it than me.

 

Everything is going to be okay. Really?

I’ll admit it, last night I was pretty damned pissed off.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me how they’d go about getting out of the situation I am in. “Just get a job”, “Just answer questions the way they want”. Oh, I’m sorry…I suppose I’ve been doing things wrong this whole fucking time. And then we get the “Oh I was just joking”, you know what? I don’t give a shit that you were joking…I’m been joking for the past 4 months… yeah, it’s been a huge fucking joke that my life has gone down the toilet…hahahahahaha….oh wait, no…. how about you fuck off unless you have something more substantial to advise other than to just work at it.

It’s true in point that I am occasionally a procrastinator. If things aren’t going the way I’d hope…I move on for a time to something else. But generalised statements of “something will come up” and, of course “everything will be okay” shit me to tears. I know we all say them…it’s those sugar coated little phrases we use when we don’t have anything remotely constructive to add to a situation. It’s optimism without effort. It’s a fucking joke. Yeah, I dream big…who the fuck doesn’t. And yes, lately I have been unbelievably down. My big idea completely faceplanted in record time. I am still yet to even score another interview… let alone be anywhere near a job after. And you’re telling me to go get work? Fuck you.

There will always be some people who don’t really get what it’s like to struggle. I suck at interviews. My skills are sitting in the administration field, which let’s face it….are skills that are a dime a dozen. I’ve never been overly ambitious, but I want my independence back. The problem is that other people will never realise your own limitations. Just get a job? That might work if you’re in a high end industry. If you’re smart and you’ve known what you were gonna do and just how you were gonna do it. If you had the self confidence oozing off you in spades. I don’t. So don’t talk to me about getting a job like it is the same thing as going to the market to buy a bottle of milk.

Do NOT tell me that something will come up. Do NOT tell me that everything is going to be okay. In fact, don’t even attempt to make helpful suggestions unless you have something more specific than “why don’t you just get a job?” And you know what? From now on…I’ll do the same…. Because I don’t know that something will come up. And I don’t know that everything will be okay. But what I do know is that if you haven’t pissed me off the point of me wanting to punch you in the throat, I will be there take all the rants and vents and tears that you have to dish out, all the anger and sadness that you need to unload…because it’s better than false promises that everything will be okay.

 

Fear and Loathing in Brisvegas…

Well…more like amusements and dresses, but it seem cooler to play the pun.

I did have a good extended weekend in Brisbane. It was a good learning curve in some ways…as well as some motivation to stop being a big tub of nothing, and actually work towards improving something…which right now seems to be my body rather than my ability to work within the world…since the only battle I have on that score is my own appetite and laziness. Gotta nip those in the bud.

There is so much reunion talk that it’s making my head spin. I don’t want to be constantly reminded that it’s been 10 years since I finished school. I don’t feel that old! If anything, I feel younger than I did last year…at least part of last year I had my independence, and now I get pocket money for doing chores for my parents…so it’s kinda like being a teenager again. If only I didn’t know what it was like to live on my own and know the finer points about not being a teenager…this might have been a sweet deal.

It was nice though…to be able to be away from what I can see are my limitations on life. To interact with people, even if at times I felt I could fade into the background without anyone realising. Although sometimes I would have rather faded into the background without anyone realising. Maybe that’s just become my thing. I don’t really feel like I’m apart of the outside world anymore. Every attempt at breaking free gets quashed. Whether it be jobs or business ventures. I’m craving freedom. Indpendence. I miss it. I’m so annoyed with myself that I can’t seem to break out that quite literally hate EVERYTHING. So this one moment of freedom has been tainted by my own black brush.

That ended up somewhere else entirely. Oh well… I did have a good time this weekend. I know it seems like I didn’t with all the internal struggles of my head, but I did. Though once again, I am back to my original plan of finding a job, seeing as that second plan didn’t pan out at all. And considering how much of a bitch I have been in just the time I’ve gotten back, I can tell my paitence of this front is already nil. Still…you gotta persevere right? What else is there to do?

 

Rescue Network?

I have a bone to pick with the Australian media and their coverage of the earthquake in Haiti.

How it is on Saturday morning, I was watching a channel nine reporter talking about how their Haitian interpreter and camera man pulled little 18 month old Winnie out of the wreckage in a story of hope and survival…while this morning I watched Mike Amor of on channel seven also helping pull out little Winnie and pouring a bottle of water on her dusty face while reporting that it was one of their security team was the one who got her out?

Now, don’t get me wrong… What happened in Haiti is a tragedy of epic proportions. I absolutely urge people to help however they can. I am glad they managed to find this little girl and save her life and I hope they find many more survivors so that they don’t give up hope. Seriously though…I’m not saying I believe one network more than the other, but the whole thing is a little fishy to me. I wanna point out that it doesn’t matter who got her out…but fighting for bragging rights is utterly pathetic and not helping the situation in the slightest.

You really wanna help? Put down your freaking mics and camera and hand out some of that food and water you’ve probably got stashed in your vehicles. Actually use those vehicles to take people to the medical centres should they need it. Stop pawing at some poor girl who’s been sitting in rubble with her dead parents.

I wouldn’t mind a bit of clarification on this actually…because in such devastation this attempt at one upping each other has really pissed me off.

At least channel ten had the decency to report of the need for more medical aid.

And for all of us sitting at home, please give where you can…

 

Turning point…

I’ve decided. I am not going to invest all my time into waiting for people with power and money to deny me the right to live has I have grown accustomed to. In less pompous words, this whole job hunting thing sucks and I don’t really feel like doing it anymore. But how is today different from the other days when I say I don’t feel like doing it any more. Simple. I have a new plan. A proper one, not a whacky insane idea in sight. Good proper ideas that can actually happen if I push hard enough.

It’s not really a new plan, it’s more of trying to build a long standing plan that has been sitting in my head for many a year. An elaboration, if you will. Actual steps towards a goal rather than a figment of a pipe dream. And I know, I’m not really one for plans…plans have that strange habit of disappearing into the ether when I have anything to do with their conception, by I honestly have high hopes for this one. It’s not really a plan, it’s a call to action in the form of a plan. And I have to knuckle down and do up a business plan. Yes, I am going to attempt to start one. I’m scared, I’m excited… I’m all those things that I guess you should be when you’re doing something you’ve never really taken a look at before. But I think I have a good idea. And I’m sure I can make it work. It’s nothing particularly new, but it will be something that I want to do.

I just have to hope my often sporadic attention span will leave this section of my life alone. In the past 4 months I’ve thought of going back to uni to do anything from forensics to teaching…and what the hell for? I have no idea. Other than just to actually work to retrain into something new. Those ideas tend to stick with me for a couple of days and then it’s back to the frustrations of trying to find someone who wants me to work for them. The focus on that has just been painful. So I don’t feel like doing it anymore.

Build it, and they will come….at least I hope so!

 

Happy New Year?

More like hopeful.

I have invested a lot of hope in 2010, and ironically, I hope it doesn’t become a disappointment. The whole wanting to be employed, wanting to move out, wanting to actually stop being as much of a loser as I have been in the past 4 months. It’s the metaphorical new start I’m desperately needing. I feel like I’ve become an island, there is nothing that can reach me and I get to sit in a stupid sea of isolation and despair. I’m really over it. I want to be better this year.

Y’know what the funny thing is? Up until maybe August, last year was awesome. Then I came home and got stuck and it was like I was 13 again, I let all my paranoias get the better of me and got angry that I couldn’t just let them out. I’ve never felt like I could. Ever. I still don’t. I don’t want to deal with the possible outcomes of it. I just want this year to be better. To be able to move on. I feel like I crashed and I’m still in trauma and that the new year is only possibly the cure to this deep hole I’ve dug myself into and kept from everyone.

So I hope in 2010, I am better. I can push my paranoias into the crazy drawer of my mind and close it shut again. I hope that I will no longer feel stifled by inactivity. I hope that I no longer have to pretend that I am just as I have been when I was happy. I hope that I can be more positive, and more optimistic. These are not resolutions. They are just hopes.

It is a hopeful new year.

 

The Good, The Bad – The year of 2009

Well it has been one heck of a year. I have this odd tendency to forget that after 4 months of a heck of a lot of inactivity. Since it’s customary for me to reflect and such here it goes…

The bad…

I guess there has been a few major things I could think of. Burning my foot is definitely right up there as pretty shitty things to happen to me in the past 12 months. I am pretty sure I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. Also I guess the last 4 months of not having a job to keep my brain out of a state of depression hasn’t been great either. Controversies of my web life… whether it be non-punishments, finding out major news that makes you question everything you think you know about your judgement of others. The definitive ending of what had been an extremely close more than friendship that for a long time, had been very important to me.

But it’s not all bad. I guess the major things I have definitely learnt from. Whether it be to be more careful when handling hot beverages to just knowing I should have let go so much earlier. These things happen. I used to think I lived without regrets, but now I feel that regret is just a healthy way of learning, as long as you learn quickly enough.

The good…

There has been some majorly awesome stuff this year too…the actually travelling part of spending time overseas. Sure there was sleeping in train stations and stuff, but it’s budget travel, and even though it leads to tiredness and crankiness, it’s still heading out to see the world. I hope I get to do it again soon. Getting to catch up with some amazing people who have helped me get through the bad times, who make me laugh, who listen to me bitch and put up with my general state of oddity on an almost daily basis. You guys make my general solitude bearable simply by being there when others aren’t and I’ll never be able to say just how much I appreciate your friendship.

Again, I suppose also just being reminded that I do have great friends, loving parents and I could be worse off is part of the good. I’ve learnt to rely on that, if nothing else, because I can’t always expect to be quick on the luck stakes. But also to make the best with what I’ve got. And simply to not expect the things I’m not sure I actually want just because they are things you are expected to want.

A little older, a little wiser….a little more crazy….here’s to 2010.

 

Lucky rains…

I’m hoping so anyway. It’s a decent way to end the year. Rain. Especially when you’re in an area that doesn’t really get that much of it. I think my time away meant I took rain for granted. Glasgow will do that to you. I don’t remember a single time in Glasgow where I wanted to be wandering out in the rain, and now that I’m back home I’m pretty much out and about in it any chance the weather gives me. Drought will do that do you too.

We’ve been lucky in some respect. Unfortunately, unless there is consistent rain over we’ll still need more water in the dams before we’re in the clear, but our tanks have been replenished with the recent downfalls. I’m hoping this luck continues. The festive season hasn’t been as bad as I feared. I had a job interview about a week ago which I think I did okay with, though you can never be too sure until they say “You got the job!” or “Sorry, we picked someone else.” Either way, job interview is a good step. Catching with with friends, even if it was only for a little while has been good. It’s made me feel better about the choices that I make as a person, dispite them being a little left of centre. I realised there’s a good reason why I don’t want some things in life that maybe I thought I should want because it seemed to be the norm, but I’m rather comfortable not wanting them.

And this rain, it just makes everything feel a little bit better. It makes the air fresher, makes things around the house look green and new again. Kinda makes me feel a bit new as well. I don’t ever want to be that person who doesn’t like playing in the rain. The one who worries about their clothes getting wet or their hair getting messed up. I just want to enjoy it as one of life’s little pleasures. And I hope I get to enjoy it more often.