Or I’m annoyed at myself for being unable to wholly emotionally detatch from this ongoing cycle of hot and cold.

At some stage, I would like to learn how to just not require an emotional and physical attachment to the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Just everyone. I would like to learn how to not crave that whole human interaction thing. I think life would be much less stressful to me.

I hate my theory. Mainly because right now, it’s totally not working in my favour. Moreso than most times.

Course, it would probably be easier to just cut ties if I wasn’t so appreciative of the good times, and that delectable ass.

Damn.

This year was looking close to that, except I did end up pulling my finger out and calling about to see if there was anything worthwhile to get to. Got wind of getting VIP tickets for a beach party with friends and friends of friends so I got all dressed up and packed a bag and headed up to the city. I had a ball, well… after several beverages which made me chatty and easily amused. It’s annoyingly nice to be reminded that I’m not totally abhorrent offline. Although one of my PG13 encounters was surprising in some sense…. actually, that’s a lie. Each of the encounters I had was surprising in some way. But none of them lead to shamefaceness and I did not get a kiss on the stroke of midnight or at any other part of my evening.

Last year was eventful in it’s own right. Most of it didn’t go according to plan. Some of it has been pretty rewarding. And I feel maybe not wiser but more knowledgable about who I am and maybe I’ve learnt not to fight it so much.

So here’s to 2012 being better. Learning more, doing more (or at least, hopefully being less lazy). Which brings me to my to do list for this year…

- Project 365 – I take lot of photos, why not one everyday?
- Travel overseas at least twice next year
- B2 Zumba Training (at the very least)
- Go to Seaworld
- Some sort of diving activity
- Growing my hair
- A new tattoo

It seemed fitting to leave it to specific activities rather than generalised statements or goals…. these things I can plan to do.
I do hope to blog more though, and to be less lonely, and more happy and all that other general resolutions that I never make out loud.

Happy 2012!

Shame that New Year comes so soon after because I’m already in that lull of not doing things that again I will likely do nothing for it.

But I decided that I will work towards doing things in the next 12 months. Maybe they are little things, maybe they are big things. But there are things… I’ve even asked for suggestions so we’ll see how big or small my list gets in the next week or so.

So far…

• Vanuatu in February
• More Zumba training (at least my B2 and maybe Aqua)
• A shark dive or a scuba dive
• Go to Seaworld (I’ve never been!)
• Get a new tattoo
• Find someone to matter to (hopefully – this is often hard though)
• Read more
• Go somewhere new
• Work on toning my body
• Take more than one overseas trip
• Grow my hair long again

That’s all I have right now that I can think of…. watch this space though… work in progress.

All the to-ing and fro-ing. Wondering if they actually might like me or if I’m just building fairytales in my head (which I will do anyway because I’m just lame that way). It’s a load of bollocks that I still feel like I have the same mentality when it comes to “boys” as I did when I was a teenager, only with slightly better self esteem.

Yeah. I think I like a boy. I think that I’m hoping he likes me back but who’s to really say with these kinda things. I didn’t think to like him. He was upfront and intriguing and somewhat annoying. There is where I should have known. I have a theory that if they’re annoying and I still want to talk to them, I’m in all kinds of trouble. I hate this girliness of wondering.

Sigh. I suck at dating. And relationships. And meeting people who I end up liking with the sad knowledge that there is a 99% chance this will end, and probably not well. Again, sigh.

Yeah, I know… it’s been awhile.
I’m sure it’s not like any of you missed me. To be honest, I’ve only just recently remembered that I had a blog. Oh, how you have been neglected. Apologies, apologies.

What has happened in the last 3 months?

As I mentioned in my last post. I finally became a Zumba Instructor. And while I could have done it purely to get the membership discount of my Zwear, I actually have a class. I’m all running my own business (of sorts), and I’m enjoying that side of my life. I get an insane amount of satisfaction from doing it. I’m part of the cult… and I love it. To be honest, I think there was a part of me that wasn’t sure if I wanted to go down this road because I didn’t want to start hating it. But what’s happened so far is quite the opposite. I love the learning. I love being drenched in sweat at the end of my class… though, not so much just how tired my body is the next day… but it’s possibly one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done.

Work has been okay. Post promotion, I probably did need that extra little challenge of not just being the nice one that answers the phone. Sitting in a lull period at moment, motivational wise because it’s November and almost the end of the year. Who would have thought I’d still be here after all this time. I’m waiting to get shit for something, I’m sure it will happen eventually.

Getting back on the horse, so to speak. In that way I haven’t gotten on any horse, but I’ve eyeing the paddock. Hiccups as usual. I’m feeling far pickier these days. However the main checkpoint that I feel I’ve always had is still there. But maybe as I’m trying to remember to blog more, that’s an entry for another day. There are promising signs though. Watch this space.

And what else? I’ll be marking 2 off my wishlist in the next 6 months – Foo Fighters in December (which is going to kick ass!) and Vanuatu in February. If I can stick a tattoo in there somehow and work out a way for my Zumba high to last for the whole week and not just for 2 days, I think I’d be set!

Nothing’s really been happening.

Or, I’ve been busy since the past couple of weeks have been spent with work being full on and becoming a licenced Zumba Fitness instructor.

There hasn’t been any drama.

There hasn’t been enough existential thought for me to bother writing about.

The plan was to write more, it just didn’t happen.

Since my “promotion”… work has taken over my life. That’s pretty much it.

I’ll try and think more later.

Prior to that however, I had a decent outfit on today. Shallow as that may sound… when you wear I uniform 5 days a week and then spend the weekend usually in your trackies, putting together a nice casual outfit is a good change. Also, I bought a new scarf during the week and really wanted to show it off (you have no idea how sad I am that scarf season is almost over, scarves have been my thing this winter).

Conversation with my mother as I was leaving the house…

Me: Do I look okay?
Mum: Hmm yeah…
Me: Really?
Mum: (non committally) Sure
Me: So…. can I pick up in this?
Mum: …. Sure… make sure he’s a fireman.

So, there were no firemen in my course. Or eligible men in general. In fact, out of the few men that were there, only one of them seemed interesting and I literally mean in general interesting since he was a gay, special ed teacher who actually likes Bundy and who had a fun time pretending the CPR dummy was Hugh Jackman (lovely guy though, seriously).

I didn’t really have any moral to the story. I learnt first aid. I wore my pretty new scarf. And my mother apparently thinks there’s a bunch of eligible firemen about the area. If there are, they must be invisible.

It was kinda easy before too… it was a lot of out of sight, out of mind… and that’s pretty easy when there’s hours of road between seeing and stuff. But I’m a net junkie, so while he decided to take himself of fb, that was fine. I thought about him occasionally. Missed him occasionally. Going through the processes.

So when he reappeared on my friend’s list, I thought I’d fight the temptation to stalk his wall wistfully and just unfriend him.

It seemed like a smart idea y’know…. closing a door on a chapter or whatever… healing… stuff.

Who would have thought what a revelation that would make?

Text after text of guilt. Why did I do it, how could I choose my own healing over his need for us to remain connected, even though we haven’t spoken for months and despite the fact he’s doing far better than me in terms of lifestakes. How dare I decide on ending a friendship that exactly exist and will likely never do so? How could I punish him and throw him out. Even though we haven’t spoken. Even though it’s freaking awkward. Even though he’s moved on. How dare I try to do the same in my own little way?

Yes, I caved. I did it to shut him the fuck up and so I could get some sleep and peace.

Wow. Just wow.

Once upon a time, he chose not to wait for me. I didn’t expect him to. But he unfriended me without a second thought after I had found out and I chose to respect that decision. My, my how times have changed. Tell you what, I do look upon our time together fondly. But I am so over it. I’m relieved that I got out before I really realised just how much compromising I would end up doing.

Never though, will I ever tell my parents just how right they were.

But in the next 12-18 months, I would like to do the following…

• Shark dive before the end of 2011
• New tattoo in the summertime
• Fly to Perth, WA (hopefully in October/November)
• Road trip to central Australia
• Travel to either Fiji or Vanuatu
• Attend a major musical event
• Go to a convention
• Find a way to be happy

As much as I would love to have someone to do that with me, whether it be friends of lovers….I’ve been standing still long enough to realise that once again I need to do things I want for myself because waiting for someone to come along to do them with me is just going to leave me sad and alone. And I’ve been feeling pretty damn sorry for myself lately and that has just got to stop.

So whatever people. You go your way, I’ll go mine. Perhaps we’ll cross paths if you remember and want to.

What am I doing this weekend after announcing that I would be trying to get out and about? I’m staying home, predominately in bed, under as many covers as possible because it is so damn cold.

Yes, the sun gets out there, they are lovely looking days. But I’m not even a fan of the briskness. I put on as many layers as I can manage just to venture outside for 5 minutes. If I could work from the warmth of my bed, I would… I really, really would.

So I’ll be social in the Spring. When there’s not a threat of 2 degree weather in this corner of the world. It’s just the way it’s gonna be.

For now, flannie pj’s and scarves and socks and trackies and hoodies are my best friends. Bless them.